Sitting here, about to write this, I feel the all too familiar signs of anxiety creeping in – sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, chest tightening, heart racing, dry mouth, palms beginning to sweat, nausea, shoulders rising up towards my ears as my shoulder blades draw up and closer together.
Realising that I’m using only the top part of my lungs in short, increasingly rapid breaths, I understand fully that if I choose to let these feelings run rampant within seconds they will develop into a total stress-out and if still left unchecked, a panic attack.
The beauty of this is today I’m observing these symptoms rather than being enmeshed in them, for in truth what I have described was how I have lived most of my life, in varying degrees.
In the past I would use alcohol, marijuana and binge eating to relieve these pressures I daily placed myself under, which brought only temporary relief. As the effects of these wore off I would find myself back in the worry and doubt of my ability to cope and resort once again to self-abuse to rid myself of these unwanted feelings.
I have begun to feel the enormity of the stress and strain I have placed on myself, and those around me, living this way.
It’s the hurts I don’t want to feel, – that when left unchecked develop into fear that what is about to happen in the next moment, next hour, week, month, year or even years, – and is the same or similar to what has happened before and has left me feeling the pain of what I have believed to have been ‘wrong’ choices made by myself and/or others. In this case it’s reminiscent of being in school writing an essay that will be judged by my teacher on being good enough or not, and herein lays the kicker.
Anxiety is this perceived pain that we freak out about because we are terrified of doing ‘it’ wrong and humiliating ourselves in the process. ‘It’ can be making dinner for a friend, a job interview, walking into a crowded room, climbing Mt Everest, talking to one of our children’s teachers or someone we deem more important than us, a staff meeting, boarding a plane, buying a packet of mints, joining an on-line meeting; in short, anything and everything that a human being can do on any given day.
I have chosen anxiety because I have beaten myself up about ‘wrong’ choices made and then felt that I have ‘suffered’ as a consequence.
A wise friend recently shared how appreciative she is of all the choices she has made in her life that had brought her to the present moment. Fully hearing this was a massive weight being lifted off my chest as I realised that my choices have and continue to be opportunities to be more gentle, understanding, appreciative and loving with myself.
I choose now to go into a gentle breath meditation that I learned from an audio presented by Serge Benhayon. This supports me to bring focus to my body as I choose to let go of these unnatural symptoms that do not belong.
This allows me to return to the stillness that I have discovered permanently lays within through the Esoteric Yoga modality and more specifically, the Esoteric Yoga Stillness Program for Women. This along with my commitment to not accept anxiety as something that controls me, has seen a transformation in my daily living beyond recognition of how I once looked and lived and felt.
Thanks to the teachings of Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine, its many practitioners and the support of the Student community, I am steadily building a new foundation; one of knowing that within me I have all I need as I let go of the past and take care of the future by bringing focus to the present.
That I have within me true power of what it means to live in this world, my unwavering commitment to be solid in my relationship with myself – with God.